Presidential to do list:

  • 5:30 am - Have sex.
  • 5:40 am - Send driver to pick up Hillary at the airport.
  • 5:45 am - Jog in Rose Garden (Stay low).
  • 5:50 am - Breakfast at McDonalds (four Big Macs).
  • 6:30 am - Play with Newt Gingrich voodoo doll.
  • 7:00 am - Shower.
  • 7:30 am - Ask Hillary what to do; do it.
  • 8:00 am - Go back to sleep.
  • 10:00 am - Morning snack (Hostess Family Fun Pack, Yoo Hoos, Grape Nehi).
  • 11:00 am - Meet with President of Gay Parents Association (Lincoln closet).
  • 11:30 am - Meet with Unwed Teenage Mothers of America (Lincoln Bedroom).
  • 11:45 am - Shower.
  • 12: noon - Lunch with Ted Kennedy.
  • 1:30 pm - Sober up (Expresso, Whitman's Sampler Chocolates, two cream puffs, chocolate shake).
  • 2:00 pm - Gas break.
  • 2:10 pm - Check in with Hillary.
  • 2:30 pm - Call Aristide in Haiti, RE Hillary voodoo doll problem.
  • 2:45 pm - Inspect new white house blast shutters, bomb shelter, and rocket launchers.
  • 3:00 pm - Look for Dee Dee Myer's missing panty hose.
  • 3:30 pm - Call Roger Clinton for advice on Bosnia, Cechya, and Arlene.
  • 4:00 pm - Do what he says to do with Arlene.
  • 6:00 pm - Dinner with Tonya Harding to discuss Hillary problem.
  • 8:30 pm - "I Dream of Jeanie" marathon with pop corn, M&M's, Milk Duds, Twinkies, and Diet Coke.
  • 12:00 pm - Sneak into bed. Don't wake Hillary.
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